Jonathan Swarbrick

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Living and sleeping

Not much time ago I was of the opinion that in order to work 9-5 Monday-Friday in a “normal” job I would have to allow a part of myself to die. I have been starting to feel that this is not a fair reflection, that this part of me must slow down, fade slightly, lie dormant, perhaps hibernate but it does not die. I have certainly found that it revives from time to time.

I want to develop a good relationship with this part of me. I am sure that if I do I will be able ‘live from the place of dreaming’ (see Day Dreaming blog).

I am beginning to do so as I find that I am not, to so great an extent, living for the next thing - the end of the working day, the weekend, Christmas - but am content where and when I am. I am content Monday morning. Everything runs its course; Monday comes round when it does, as does Friday and that is good.

I use to fear that to be where I am now, to find contentment in living, would be to be half dead. To let go of the adventure and to give up the journey. But where there is opportunity for the imagination to let one take risks, that cannot be true.

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My bedroom is me and I am my bedroom

As I sort through my things and have another weekly tidy I realise that my bedroom is a picture of myself. It seems that often my goal is to achieve a state of perfect creative expression.  In this place everything is peace, I arrive home from work in total rest and spend my evening in perfect harmony with myself.  Time can never be wasted, I no longer have the hunger to consume but an overflow of expressed self.

As I tidy I understand that I have tricked myself into a journey of bureaucracy that I hope will one day lead to this place.

I wonder if one day I will wake up with the realisation that my dreams and my reality are forever separate.  I soak into books with the vague belief that I am reading stories that will some how seep into my life, that actually my dreams and my reality will mysteriously converge into one another.

Can my imagination weave itself into my life or do I need to choose between them?

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Hiatus

I have been on a short hiatus from writing - buying a house then leaving to go  away for a few weeks.

I will begin to write again shortly…

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